Archive for March 2, 2005

Records Are Like Assholes

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The male version of me would be like John Cusack, but much schlubbier.

Scott wanted to know why I was judging the Jack Johnson fans for liking bland music sung by fratty-looking surf dudes. It’s not who they like, since there are probably people who I adore who probably like JJ or stuff like that. Ricky, my favorite gay boyfriend, outcheeses anyone I know, and it’s one of my favorite qualities in him, that he can find treasure in trash. Ant’ny writes hilariously about lots of music I can’t stand (like John Mayer, cough). And of course, Andy The Straight Boyfriend’s hippie tendencies.

At the same time, many of the people who like what I like are just awful human beings, particularly the male version of me. Which is why I have very few neurotic, Jewish male writer friends, or many writer friends in general, beyond the blogs linked to the left and the Girlgroup list. The good male version of me is probably Jimmy Draper, who is gay, as most of my good male musical doppelgangers are.

But you have to understand, working in a record store, that I know the asshole tendencies of every type of music fan.

I knew that JJ’s fans were gonna be annoying in their own special unique way. About half of them followed directions, pre-ordered the CD, got the wristband, blah-blah. It’s standard practice with artists who are that popular or else it’s a khaki riot. The rest of them called that morning, and said, “Like wow, Jack Johnson is going to be in your store today?” Now, imagine, explaining, like, 100 times to 100 phonecalls between 9 and 11, that you got the wristband when you pre-ordered the CD, which we were offering for the past week, and no, you can’t pre-order the CD, because it’s out already, and no I can’t guarantee we’ll have wristbands by the time you get here, and no, I can’t make the Earth move backwards like that Superman movie so you can get in. And imagine explaining to someone that yes, Jack Johnson is that popular. And then explaining it to 100 more people who show up and are like, “Huh, what, omigod!!!!”

It actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be, because it was a Monday at lunchtime during work and class. I was prepared for it to be like the John Mayer in-store that I fortunately did not work.

JJ fans aren’t our stupidest or craziest customers, but they are in the Top 5, behind Gospel people (who never, never have the right artist or title), DVD midnight madness people who need to own White Girls, and people who stand in front of the store at 9:00 on a Sunday morning, waiting for us to open. Amazing.

Does that answer your question, Scott?

March 2, 2005 at 7:39 pm 11 comments


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